Say What?

 

The phrase "a comedy of errors" is well known. Now let me introduce you to the lesser known phrase "a comedy of elders". This is a type of exchange that frequently happens when individuals reach a certain age. As an example, here's one featuring my sister and I:

Me: So the other day I was…

My Sister: What? I can’t hear you.

Me (louder): I was saying, the other day (pause)

My Sister: What?

Me (shouting): YOU STILL CAN'T HEAR ME?

My Sister: No, I heard you! I was waiting for you to continue.

Me (befuddled) : Continue what?

My Sister: You were saying, “The other day…”

Me (pause): I forgot.

My Sister: What’d you forget?

Me (irritated): I forgot what I was going to say.

My Sister: What? I can’t hear you.

Me (shouting): NEVERMIND.

My Sister: Never mine? What are you talking about?!

Me (sighing): futility...

A Picture is Worth A Thousand Words...

...and clearly tens of thousands of dollars in maintenance according to the photos below. I can't say I blame any actress who succumbs to the seducing effects of the scalpel in order to drink from the fountain of youth. If I had that much money rolling around, I'd be donating plenty to my Botox fund instead of purchasing the less than ideal alternative of heavy-duty tinted makeup at the local Walmart. Obviously my version of the "Make-A-Wish Foundation" doesn't work nearly as well as donating to some plastic surgeon's summer home, but until someone hands me a script to star in, it will have to do. 

Did you know women age the same as dogs, seven per year, in the cut-throat field of entertainment? It's true! By the time they reach the age of fifty, starlets are considered either dead or ready for some prime-time mystery show on television, obviously purgatory either way. I've selected a few images with dates to prove my point and demonstrate that even superstar women have their issues with age (click on any photo to get a closer view).

I'm disappointed that the L'Oreal company didn't embrace the fact that wrinkles do exist on Diane Keaton's face, nor that Diane was OK with making us all feel bad we didn't age like her, though clearly even she doesn't live up to her altered photo. Well, la-de-da. La de da. If only older actresses could be like Sally Field. Her image in the latest "Spider-man" movie and "Lincoln" shows Sally to be almost defiant in her willingness to look her age. There's something courageous and in-your-face about her appearance that speaks much truer and louder than any airbrushed photo. It says, "It takes guts to look older and only women with true strength of character can pull it off".  I like Sally Field. I really like her.

 2012

  

 2008

2012

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2012

Fairy Tales Can Come True, It Can Happen To You

 "Vanity mirror" is such a misnomer when my nightly routine includes brushing chin hairs.

Who knew the words uttered by one of the three little pigs would come back to haunt you later in life? Now the phrase "not by the hairs of my chinny-chin-chin" takes on a whole new meaning. If it hasn't happened yet, it will. One day, seemingly out of nowhere, the light will hit your mirror just right and BAM!, there it will be. Given that your stray facial hair (or two...or four...) matches the length of the Mississippi you'll marvel at how no one brought it to your attention.The good news? This turn of events will help you learn to be an expert on nomad migration because these gems are like little gypsies showing up wherever their heart's desire (chin, jaw, neck), pretty much anywhere but where you'd like them most - your thinning hairline. Calling all fairy godmothers.

No Ma'am!

I swear! If one more bag boy calls me "Ma'am" I'm going to split an infinitive!

On the recent 38th annual List of Words to be Banished from the Queen’s English for Misuse, Overuse and General Uselessness*, “fiscal cliff” and “trending” are listed. I'd like to weigh in with an early nomination for next year's list. 

In my experience the word "Ma'am" has to go. Nowadays I hear it way too often (granted, my visible grey hairs might be a contributing factor). Sure, saying "Ma'am" is fine if you're a little kid who uses it out of respect for anyone over the age of 12, or if you hail from the south, but using it in everyday encounters can prove unnerving. Being called "Ma'am" makes me feel old and matronly. I feel old and matronly as it is! Personally, I'd rather be called "Hey, Lady" (go ahead and say it like Jerry Lewis - you know you want to) or go the complete opposite and call me "Smokin' Hot Cradle Robber" but pah-leez drop the use of "Ma'am" from your vocabulary. A little aside here - don't think calling me "Young Lady" will work either, unless you happen to be over the age of 80.

Who knows, deleting "Ma'am" from uttering your lips could qualify you for a Nobel Peace Prize. Your efforts to banish the word-which-must-not-be-spoken could prevent others from witnessing some woman (like me) from imploding. Talk about your hot mess...

*link to Lake Superior State University's list of words to be banished: http://www.lssu.edu/whats_new/articles.php?articleid=2544 (go Michigan Laker's!)

New Year, New Blog

Don't worry about Fran stealing your man. As we speak, her free radicals are being damaged!

So here it is, the first day of the new year and I am making my very first post of my weekly blog. This blog is particularly geared for the female reader reaching a "certain age" and feeling like the golden years are more like tin with gold plating slapped on. My goal is to make my weekly observances (ahem, rants) the kind you can quickly read while making that nightly trip to the bathroom (fun times, right?)

First on my agenda - what to call this blog. Several ideas came up:

Getting Older Ain't for Sissies So Cowgirl Up
Into the Third Act and I Want to Leave the Theater
Lunch Lady On A Rampage
One Foot In The Grave Wearing Jimmy Choo

As noted, I finally settled on "Days of Whine and Dozes". This title describes a typical day in my life - raging on and on about how getting older sucks, getting exhausted from all that energy I expounded and then taking a nap to recuperate. Come back next week for my view on the dreaded word "Ma'am". Until then, I'll be dozing off. Nighty-night.